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Instead defensive stuff happens like distancing from each other or finding another lover to make up for what is not happening in the marriage.
You are engaged in what is commonly thought of as a ‘triangle.’ Triangles are rough on the heart.His superficial belief that he wants someone else’s woman for the convenience is a lie he defensively tells himself.The reality is he’s looking for love like the rest of us and afraid of what he’ll find.She can go back to her husband when we’re done making love, right? The problem comes in when over time an attachment forms between the married woman and her ‘other man.’ Now she is growing used to the arrangement and has convinced herself that the triangle makes her disappointing marriage tolerable.If the ‘other man’ gets attached he will inevitably at some point start needing more from the married woman. My heart goes out to him more than any one else in this arrangement because he is usually the one who gets disturbed first and has more to lose.By the way, when people say they are afraid of intimacy think ‘exposure’ to what they themselves have difficulty accepting in themselves.
Most people I’ve met who are afraid of intimacy, lose the fear when they accept and feel better about themselves.
So let’s look at the type of triangle that has one woman and two men in it.
The target of desire in the relationship is the woman. Her husband is not leaving and she is not letting him go (otherwise she wouldn’t need a triangle to cope). It doesn’t matter how negative wife and husband feel about each other, they are together.
The ‘other man’ is probably afraid that he won’t be able to ‘handle’ a love relationship with a fully available woman.
He thinks that loving someone else’s woman will save him from this fear of intimacy. In my world that’s an opportunity for growth because triangles are no good for people.
In some instances he ‘knows’ his wife is cheating on him and looks the other way.