Dating girl messed up family
Teaser: Lisa Anderson: So I was at my parents' house and I was sitting there and it just dawned on me that I was actually 30-years-old.
" And I always like to tell people, well, you know what? If it's marriage, if it's celibate service or singleness, whatever that is, we want them to be equipped for it. Jim: --because like you said a moment ago, there's gotta be a connection to reality. Jim: --I mean, it does take a change of temperament, because I think marriage has been bullied—Lisa: Uh-hm. Some are fearful, because they've seen their Christian parents not do so well—Lisa: Absolutely. They are the product of the largest divorced generation in history, which is the Boomers.So, then they start tacking on all these other things for women, like, "Well, you know, I want her to love children and I want her to have characteristics of being a good mother and I want her to, you know, be active in her church and I want her to write Bible studies, you know. But so, we're told basically that we are to expect this ideal and again, it doesn't exist.So, then they put all these spiritual attributes on her and really what they end up doing is crafting a woman who doesn't exist. It's our own form of kinda setting something up that will ultimately crumble. is that an issue where your standards are just too high? I think that a lot of Christian young adults have been told that there is one person out there that God has chosen for them and if they do not marry that person, they will be "out of God's will."Jim: What's a healthier perspective in that way?What I'm talking about is being in an exclusive dating relationship with someone. One person starts having feelings for the other and so, we'll say because you know, let's just talk about my story.Jim: That's where you—Lisa: That's where I think—Jim: --need direction. (Laughter) We'll say it's the female in this sense. I have known women that have done guy's laundry in this kind of situation.Women on the other hand, have this idea that one of the things I share with women is, that we've gotten this notion that we are princesses. Jim: In fact, Lisa, you talk about five reasons your love life is a disaster or doesn't exist and one is, you're waiting for "the one." That's kinda what you describe there, waiting for prince charming. Lisa: To understand that there are a number of people and in fact, in the book I say, "Conservatively let's say hundreds in the world that you could be attracted to, fall in love with, serve with, have kids with, raise a family with and completely be in the will of God."You know, marriage is, as you guys know, being married, you know, what God ordains it as and then what you make it.
We've been told this by our youth groups and anyone else. Lisa: --we're children of the King, which is legitimately true, but we get this princess mentality that, I'm a princess, so I deserve a prince and he better be perfect and he better be the ultrasensitive guy and he better be everything that's on my 50-point list, which no joke, I had and I wrote it out in junior high and was told to pray over it. You build into it and so, I encourage single young adults to approach it by saying, "Look, I need to find this person that has a very few, but very important qualities" and I mention those in the book, as well. (Chuckling)Lisa: Yeah, so that actually plays into a little bit of what I just said, as these people that are out there dating because it's something they do recreationally, 'cause they feel like they should be in a relationship.
Jim: I so appreciate that and Greg Smalley's come on board several years ago and has really given some good strategic direction and Family Formation is what we call this. I mean, marriage isn't all about just fun and games. Are we just running from responsibility in our 20s and 30s, to where we're not wanting to be tied down? Jim: We couldn't agree more here at Focus on the Family (Laughter). They have grown up with absent dads, without dads at all, with parents who split up and they were going between two homes.
Lisa: Yeah, I think there's some of that, but I think it's more, you referenced the culture, I would say even the church today is elevating service, professionalism, even ministry to the point of then, you know, tamping down or lessening the value of marriage and family. And so, they actually have a very high view of marriage in the sense that they believe in marriage. They love the idea of family, but they're so afraid of messing it up that they're gonna prolong it as long as possible.
So, marriage and family is kinda that thing that, okay, well, you know, you're probably gonna fall into it at some point or you gotta add it on or you know,it's like, well, if you're gonna be an accountant or a plumber, well then, maybe just be married and just sit in the suburbs or something. And so, that's why we see a lot of practicing at marriage, whether within dating relationships or cohabiting relationships. They want to be sure and in order to be sure, they feel they need more time. They need more connection with these people and that's why we see a lot of relational dysfunction. Lisa: Well, I think we are so and by "we," I will say, singles and especially in the younger generations here, we're so arrogant about what we believe marriage to be and how we feel we're gonna go ahead and contribute to it. And what I'm saying is, that guys use it as kind of the lowest common denominator for who they're gonna go ahead and date.
But we've infused millennials with this idea that they're gonna change the world and in order to do that, they want to do big things and marriage and family is not the sexy way to go about doing that. John: Well, we're talking today with Lisa Anderson on "Focus on the Family and her book, , is available from us when you're at You know, like I think that (Chuckling), you know, everyone else's marriages and their families are messed up, but if I just found the right person, I'm gonna have this cookie-cutter, picture-perfect thing. So, she has to be super attractive and it's based on whatever standard he has, whether through Hollywood, whether through porn, whether through previous relationships.
Some are called to celibacy, but that is a real small percentage of people I think. So, tell us (Laughter) about where you're at in your 20s back then and what you were looking for or not looking for and what was appealing to you as a young woman? And so, I kind of married the two by saying, you know, I know I'm gonna get married someday. Lisa: --and had certain characteristics of a number of Hollywood stars at the time.